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My feelings about Facebook are much like my feelings for my junkie ex-boyfriend…repulsive yet captivating. And like my ex, my relationship with Facebook has been on-again-off-again for the past several years. But believe me, I’m trying to quit.

Sometimes, after trolling the pages of my many “friends”, I feel satisfied. I am keeping myself in the loop, experiencing a piece of these people: their photographs and shared quotes are echoes of their feelings and dreams. I am connected. It is kind of like flipping through pictures of the happy times my ex and I had. Good times, man. High times. And then the morning after happens: stunned and betrayed, I discover that my “friends” had an excellent party (complete with smiling happy faces in photos) to which I wasn’t invited because the invitations happened on Facebook during one of my periods of off-ness and those same friends forgot that I existed.

Last time I was “on” and gorging on Crackbook’s electronic gossip, I happened upon my brother’s official wedding date. Whoa, wait a sec, I thought, what’s this now? Our mutual “friend” left a note on my bro’s fiancé’s news feed, which subsequently appears in his own, alluding to said wedding I previously knew nothing about. Not a word from my brother, no phone call to celebrate, no nothing. Well, that’s when I clicked on the button, located discreetly in the account settings menu, which officially and semi-permanently removed my page from the masses. Fuck this junkie addiction, get me to a meeting. Social Media Anonymous.

Please. Get off the computer and talk to me to my face. And don’t call me “friend” unless you can be bothered to be friendly in real life…oh...how do they say it? BFFs IRL. Ya, because I need Facebook like I need a junkie for a boyfriend. Hi, my name’s Anonymous and I refuse to use.